Gyeongu (finally)

Here we go again.........

I promised, or threatened, to write about moustaches. Unfortunately in the intervening weeks my interest in facial arrangements has subsided. Interestingly enough it subsided around the same time North Korea shelled that lovely island. There's no space for daydreaming about moustaches when World War 3 was about to kick off.


Turns out everything's absolutely fine, as soon as the USA brought over a fantastic floating war machine that is the USS George Washington and parked it on North Korea's doorstep, they quietened down. Alot.

Family, don't be alarmed. We in Iksan are sensible people. We have formulated a retreat from Korea, which so far includes some petty theft, a car journey, so-ju, choco pies, and the purchasing of a yacht. My preferred destination would be Cambodia, but it's not yet decided.

So, without further a-do, I will now talk about my wonderful trip to Gyeongju.

I arrived in Gyeongju like I do any other city I visit in a foreign country; confused, bewildered, with a fair amount of guesswork and inevitable rushing. In my defence, the bus stopped at the side of a road, not a bus station, and was about to continue it's reckless, neck breaking-speed journey (Korean drivers are speed addicts) to somewhere else before realised a the last moment I had in fact arrived.
I gave thhe driver a hearty 안녕히계세요(goodbye, thank you) which was met with the vacant stare used by many drivers, as he shut the door and pulled away.
He gave me an uglier, meaner stare about fifteen seconds later when I ran after the bus, banging on the sides of it to get it to stop.

Alas, I had left my camera on the bus.
Happy he was not.


But I had arrived, and had my camera to document the weekend.

Basically, Gyeongju is a great city. It's great for many reasons, but the main one is, with the exception of the 25 story love motels around the bus station, quite traditional. And, for once I'm not met with the high rise after high rise. I'm not criticising Korean cities, but most of them are concrete jungles of uninspired messiness. With little planning.

These are some pictures from the historic area of Gyeongju. The mounds in the pictures are tombs.

My Rough Guide tells me that the reason for all this low-rise, lots of green space city is due to 'a bit of good, old fashioned dictatorship.' Which I think that's the Rough Guides idea of a 'tongue in cheek' remark, but I'm not as witty as them, so I cannot be sure.

The dictators name was Park Chung Hee, if anyone is interested, and his popularity in the South East of the country is matched with the opposite feelings in the South West, who were angry about many things, but the perceived exclusion from the economic advancement was a chief concern. (I've always thought Gwangju to be an angry city, and the province in general to be poorer than most, so this makes sense.
I suppose dictators are only good when your on their side. He jailed people for criticising his rule, but he did introduce economic reforms that laid way for the economic advancement that was to come in the future. He argued that 'you peasants cannot have your cake AND eat it'. Probably.
However, all love stories must come to an end, and this was did quite abruptly for old Parky, he was assassinated by members of his intelligence service, succeeding where North Korea failed. Twice.
However, when he wasn't abusing human rights or being generally corrupt, he introduced building regulations, and that is to be commended. The roofs are also very pretty.

For me, the biggest advantage of not placing eyesore high rises everywhere is that you can see the natural environment. Korea is beautiful. Sometimes it seems they are trying their hardest to spoil the beauty, but Gyeongju proves that it can be done. To quote a man who recently left remarks on my facebook account questioning my sexuality, 'too much concrete, it all looks a bit shit really.'

Not the most eloquent quote you'll ever hear, but he does make some sense. Concrete everywhere is not a good idea. How can I say that in Korean? Or 'Are you sure you want to build a massive concrete bridge over that beautiful lake? You might regret it later'.

Gyeonju is a very bicycle friendly city, and cheap (7000W) for the afternoon, and an excellent way to see the city. There's ancient Kings and Queens from the Silla Kingdom, and in one bizarre instance they 'believe' (i.e. guess) someone importants family is buried there. However, these sites are everywhere and they are beautiful.

And yes, this was the only colour available.




Up early Sunday to catch a bus to Bulguksa and Seokguram Grotto, which were both extremely busy with tourists. In Bulguksa, as elsewhere in Korea, you see people pushing and shoving to get onto public transportation. Koreans are united in an absolute steadfast refusal to queue. In a good mood I like to join in, half crush an adjumma, face slap a child, or elbow an adjaussi in order to get on a bus we all easily fit on. Rightly or wrongly, I do it to feel part of their culture, to 'fit in', as it were.

But in Gyeongju, it felt a bit weird. A bit wrong. There was me and some Japanese tourists waiting for the scrum to finish, and then we got on.
The atmosphere of the place, away from the bus-stops, was quite tranquil. The landscape was open. The air was good.

Bulguksa was fantastic. If, like me, you have an unhealthy interest in old buildings and stories about those buildings, you will find it incredible. If not, you might just appreciate looking at something not built entirely out of concrete.

A short, rattling, unnecessary fast bus journey away was Seokguram Grotto. A wonderful little place. It was also unique in that is was the only historical place I visited in Gyeongju, perhaps even Korea (so far) that the Japanese hadn't burnt to the ground. My guess is that they couldn't find it as it's way up in the mountains. Or they ran out of matches. They probably would have burned it and danced on the ashes if they had found it. Nothing racist in that, I've never met any Japs before, but judging by their track record they would have either
a) burned it, or,
b) 'relocated' it, to, say, Tokyo.

I want to say 1692 as the year the Japs set fire to everything they could, but I can't be sure. I do remember reading the same year again and again. 'This was burnt down in 1693 but was reconstructed in the 1960s.'

Anyway, as it is, its an 8th Century Buddhist Grotto, originally erected, ironically enough, to protect Korea from Japanese invaders. (No pictures allowed though I'm afraid)

Oh, and the bread in Gyeongju is delicious. I has the red bean paste stuff, but it's not that sweet. For comparison, it's about as sweet as a Korean -purchased French baguette.

And that was it really, a 'cultural experience', as they say. And just to top off the weekend when I was at the bus station, a little boy ran over to me. I bent down, waved, and said hi.

He pointed, shouted 왜국사람 ('foreigner' in Korean) and ran away.
What a great weekend.

Edit: the 'Japs' reference was in tended as a joke. There's a fair amount of hostility towards Japan in Korea, and I was trying to reflect that. Indeed there's a lot of anti-Japanese feeling amongst many older people in many different countries, (Korea, Taiwan, China, Singapore, Malayisa, USA, Australia, UK, mainly) Indeed, even my Uncle (not real, a friend of the family, but incredibly kind) fought them during the war. He got taken prisoner and was in such a state once he was released he had to have half his stomach removed. Fair to say he used terms like 'those sneaky Japs' quite often.
However that was along time ago, I suppose.

I really have never met anyone from Japan though. I assure they are all peace loving people, with warm hearts, filled with kindness, open-minds, are generous, understanding, and polite.

And tall. Very tall.

Peace and Love
Pops
p.s. I've promised myself to update this more in the new year. However, I'm off to warmer climates for a while, so don't expect anything new anytime soon!

My School, Moustaches and Gyeongju. Without moustaches. Or Gyeongju.

Hello friends!

As I'm such a considerate man, I'm going to write a long blog today, and split it into 3 parts. It's 10am and I have finished my classes for the day, so I have what some would call a little free time on my hands. Of course been a teacher I am fully prepared for my classes for the coming weeks, and so I feel like I can do this. Plus, all this typing makes me sound like I'm working my arse 'bottom' off. (Theres a rumour going around that Mother is online these days, so I'm attempting to improve the language. Not the quality or spelling, just less language deemed 'offensive'.)

Right, 3 1 parts, My School. Moustaches, and Gyeongju.

My School

I made a lesson on shopping. There was an activity where the students had to guess the name of companies from a single letter. (Your probably thinking, 'Jesus you lazy bastard, get a real job', but it was way better than I'm describing it. I'll email it to anyone who wants it).

I began to feel bad, because I had to break the horrifying news to some students that McDonalds is not a Korean company. Or that Puma is from Germany. Some looked genuinely shocked. I almost felt like apologizing, which would have been ridiculous. I learned as much about Korean teenage boys as they did about where companies were from.

Also, the week before, I did a lesson on Tourism, with London as the location. I was considering Middlesbrough as the location, , replacing the Tower of London with the Transporter Bridge, Buckingham Palace with the Town Hall.

I could even replace the 'Ghost Tour -a magical bight time walk amongst the haunted streets of London' with 'beat-up-on-a-Saturday-night-outside-the-Hairy-Lemon-for-no-apparent -reason.' …..... the Queens Guards with Ray Mallons 'allegedly' corrupt policemen.

I say allegedly, as he was suspended on full pay (for 4 years!) for 'activities that could be construed as criminal conduct". I love this quote. This could basically mean anything from taping songs off the radio to a killing spree. Anyway, after the 4 years he quit and ran for mayor, and won.

Twice.

Then again, London elected Boris Johnson, so maybe it's a mayor thing.

Anyways, I digress. For fun, the students had to name the 5 teams from London in the Premier League.

No prizes for the first name shouted;

'ManchesterUnitedParkJeSung!' (Apparently the full name over here)

'No, Manchester is a city in northern England (draw map of UK, draws Manchester on board)

'Bolton?'

'No, Bolton is a another city in northern England'. (Draws Bolton on map)

'Real Mad...no, no. Lisbon?'

'No, Lisbon is in Portugal.' (Draws an arrow of where Portugal is in relation to the UK)

'Manchester City?'

'No. Manchester City and Manchester United are from the same place. (Points at Manchester)

'Erm, Bbb, Lllll, Bolton!'

I'm not even going to begin to describe my discontent over the amount of coverage Bolton Wanderers get. There are adverts where the world famous superstar Lee Chung Yeong, playing for the Football giants that are Bolton Wanderers, scores a goal, and then the advert ends. That IS the advert. It's not FOR anything! Of course, he doesn't score that many, so it's the same bloody goal!

They have started showing Scottish football on the TV, as there's a couple of Koreans keeping Celtics bench warm. I'll leave my thoughts on that for another time. I will say this though, they won't be positive.

I was talking to my students in class the other day, and one had almost a pained expression on his face. So, naturally, I asked him if he was hurting. Was he sick?

He just kept shaking his head.

Then he blurted out,

'Sausage water.'

'OK, sausage water. I don't understand.' (But it WAS English, so I was determined to work with it, I'd get him to speak an English sentence if it kills me!)

'Sausage water, sausage water!'

Another student translates for him,

'Teacher, he needs to use the bathroom.'

'Ah.'

The thing is, it kind of makes sense!

A Change of Heart

You know what, I'm going to leave the moustache blog. I fear it's totally irrelevant to this blog, and completely pointless. The only reason why I wanted to write it is because I love facial hair.

I'm also going to leave the Gyeongju blog until next time, it's too long. However, unlike the moustache story, it is relevant. You never know, it might even interest some people. I even remembered to take my camera. Although I did leave it on a bus. But then I ran after the bus and got it back again. Result!

For those of you who can't wait, (theres at least 4 people, including my Dad) heres a little morsel to keep you excited about the next story....

Gyeongju has nice bread.

One last thing, I found this online (again, in my free time, and ONLY after ALL my lessons were FULLY prepared.)

This is what I imagine a fight would be like between me and a Korean, except the sizes would be reversed. I love this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YmVu9z8Kwis&feature=player_embedded#!

So there you have it, some 'scraps for the masses' for you all, as my aquatic friend suggested.

Now leave me alone, or I'll write about moustaches!

X

Reversed Awakening

****DISCLAIMER. *****

This is not me writing, but a friend of mine who wanted to improve the quality of the blog. I tried to talk him out of it, asserting that I was happy with the poor standard, but he was persistent.

It's actually quite clever, as I don't actually have to write anymore.

Plus, it's quite darn good.

So here it is. Drum roll please for the first guest writer............

An.nyong.ha.shim.ni.kka? This is not Dave writing, but a guy who sees the world about 12 inches south of your normal writer. My name is Lex. Hailing from America and living in Iksan for about 18 months.

I was telling Big D last night that I wanted to write something for his blog, probably for the sole reason that it gives me something to do other than inspect and chase down where the moldy food smell is coming from in my room. I preceded to tell him the following story, and he agreed to turn it over to you netizens via D’s blogsite.

I spend most nights in my chair; hit the tunes, watch tv, studying various things. And Tuesday was no exception. Still drained all over from a weekend vacation and heavy soccer and MMA training, I decided my night would end with a few shots of Soju and I’d hit bed. As planned, I was in bed quite early, proud of myself and looking forward to an easy Wednesday!

Fast forward to Wednesday morning at 9:30am. My eyes open to the alarm and the room is spinning. Now stop! Imagine this scenario so you can understand where I am. You walk into your house, put the keys on your little key holder, you mechanically toss you phone on the counter and you reach into the fridge to grab a lil snack before dinner. As you are munching you head towards the bathroom, open the door and flick on the lights BAM! On the other side of that door is no longer your bathroom. You are somewhere in France, with a bag of squid in your hand. You know this feeling because you have been to France before, but the sun is unusually bright for this time of year. You are in a field, but there are empty boats sitting in a meadow and you know they don’t belong there. You question where you are. There are six bees in your ear, three in each just buzzing away like they were performing for a crowd, yet your hands are so heavy you can’t swat them away. You just moan. Long and loud (that’s what she said). Now keep that weird feeling, and change the elements.

You aren’t in France, you are naked in your bedroom yet you never sleep naked. That’s not squid in your hands, it’s an empty bottle of BBQ sauce. The sun, bedroom lights. The boats, empty soju bottles decorating your room like balls on a Christmas tree. The alarm clock, which already shows you woke up two hours late, is ringing with no intentions of stoppingMaybe it was confusion, the soju, just the AM in general, but I just sat there looking around the room. I had just been hit blindside. I went to bed sober, and woke up drunk. It didn’t matter, because when you are two hours late you just scrub your poophole, (What the!?-Ed) brush your teeth, wear anything that is clean-ish and jet to work.

I spent the whole day trying to understand what happened to me. I started learning a few things. I remembered there was an apple core and tons of egg shells in the sink, empty soju bottles, a plate that had salad on it at one point, and all my chicken was missing from my fridge. I thought someone would text me later saying they had fun. Maybe I just didn’t remember waking up and got so quick that I blacked out before waking up. But no messages, no emails, no phone calls.

If you don’t know what soju is, it’s a traditional Korean alcohol made from potatoes. This stuff sneaks up on you, similar to jell-o shots or maybe a wet stain in your pants when you thought you were pushing a dry ‘fluff’. Normally people are in a bar, and don’t leave soon enough before it sneaks in for the power punch and leaves them sleeping beside their friends at the bar. But this is ridiculous. Cousin to the Sock Monster that sneaks into your apartment and takes that one sock, the Soju Monster hit a game winner sometime between 10pm Tuesday and Wednesday two hours after I should have awoken…. Needles to say, I have changed the locks on my front door.

'Go on then, I'll stay for a couple.'

A Jisan Music review. Kind of. PLUS -16 Things I Learnt in August.

Alright me old muckers

This will be the first blog in a while, apologies for that. As a special treat, this one will be short, with no pictures! This special, no picture blog is due to a 'what happens in Jisan stays in Jisan' rule which came into force immediately after the festival, and was passed by the majority of Jisan attendies.

Plus, my Mother wouldn't approve.;)

A Jisan Music Review, kind of.

With my tennis rackets, tambourines, and various inflatables packed, (including a blow up Dolphin named Desmond) I trudge off to the bus station. On the way the taxi driver turned to me and said, 'you have a very beautiful face.' I knew right then it was going to be a great weekend. 'You too fine sir!'

I got a bus to Icheon, where I waited for the rest of my gang. 2 of them nearly went to Incheon, but I talked them out of it. From my experience, there's very little need to ever go to Incheon, I went once for a couple of hours, then went back to Seoul, wondering if I'd ever get that time back. It hasn't even got a train station, even Iksan has one of them!

So, we arrive on the Thursday night, and there's no queues! As a UK festival goer I'm used to big queues that don't move for no reason. The last one lasted approximatley 3 hours. In fact I'm so used to them I look forward to them! (Thought process: 'right, I've got my tent, sleeping bag, now then, what should I take for the queue? The Complete works of John Milton perhaps? But will that be enough? Maybe the latest Stephanie Meyer book? This could also double as toilet paper.' But will that be enough toilet paper, etc.')

Despite us been on of the very few people to arrive on Thursday, our arrival seemed to cause great surprise and confusion, even though we could be seen walking down the hill for about a mile. Massive panic ensued, and it took about 15 minutes and about 8 people to find our tickets. At this point I got all teary eyed about the 'Leeds experience.'

Then, without warning, they were found. And we walked towards the campsite.

On our way in we were asked, 'Excuse me, have you got any bottles, knifes, alcohol?'

'Nope.'

'Enjoy the festival!'

'We will! (wink)

That's one of the great things about Korea. They HAVE to ask, but, ya know,......

Where was the suspicious rummage through the bag? That inevitable moment when they pull the bottle of the certain glass liquor you just told him you didn't have. Then the embarrassment as you search the ground for empty water bottles and attempt to decant as much as you can before you give in and hand the remainder over to the guy who by this point is sharing a joke about your misfortune with another, bigger, possibly stupider accomplice.

However, if and when you do get in, it is worth turning round, pick the biggest hippy in the crowd, and watch him sweat as he gets closer to the search area...........None of that in Korea though. You'll die if you get caught. Maybe. Or something else slightly less horrific. Maybe they send you to Leeds Festival every year for the rest of your life. Sweet Jesus.

Anyway, we walked in and I picked up my rented tent. Yes, you can rent a tent, and give it back at the end. Possibly, this was to counter Koreas out of control tent burning at previous festivals, but I very much doubt it. I remember waking up on the last morning of Leeds festival 2004 and I thought I'd walked into some apocalyptic nightmare, fires, helicopters circling, toilets expoding, fireworks, naked people fighting, police, naked police, tents burning, and the SMELL from it all.

I remember people would burn tents for no apparent reason, and I'm afraid to admit I was an accomplice to a tent burning incident in my youth. It was our tent though, I'm not a twat! And it was broken. I'm not wastful. And I kept my clothes on. Sensible.

It's strange what Leeds does to people though. That's Leeds for you I suppose; tent burning heathens. Perhaps the citizens of Leeds burn the tents reaction to the fact that it was different to their normal dwelling of a cave. OK OK, it's all relative. Middlesbrough havent got caves yet!

Where was I. Right, so the only tents available were 4-man (or 5 ladies) tents. Which was a relief, as I was unsure where I was going to put 4 women AND Desmond; my aquaintence, friend, and soon to be midnight lover...........

Right, I don't have the time or desire to ramble on about the entire festival. Safe to say, it was awesome!

Instead, here is a condensed list of what I learnt in the month of August.

16 Things I learnt in August

1. When camping at a festival, it is not necessary to sleep in a tent, when there is a perfectly acceptable rest area conveniently located next to the bar.

2. Saying 'stronger please' to the bar lady before you've tried your drink is not always a good idea.

3. Ruth can dance to the Pet Shop Boys 'Go West' better than anyone alive.

4. Koreans jump at music festivals to every kind of music. There are no exceptions.

5. Kula Shaker are not shit!

6. I like Knights of Cydonia WAAAYY too much.

7. Dancing in the sand to electronic music can cause the speakers to catch on fire.

8. Crashing other peoples birthday parties is easier and more fun than it sounds.

9. Finding out your friend has a 512MB SD card is hilarious!

10. Dropping your camera in a puddle is not.

11. I realized that if I was anything, I would be Buddhist.

12. Singing in a Naraebang is usually a good time. Listening to a friend power through 'Everything I do' by Bryan Adams is not.

13. Clapping your hands in a taxi whilst trying to sing a Korean birthday song with your friends on the way to a bar does make you forget about how dangerous the driving is.

14. When the driver starts clapping, you remember very quickly.

15. 'Hey babe' sounds similar to 'hey Dave' when spoken by Americans.

16. The answer to that puzzling question, do bears shit in the woods? (They DO!)

Im ganning fa a nap liek pet. See yas laterz! Ma next 'un will be liek mor aboot korean n that, justa bin keenda busy n that liek pal.
x

Wonderful Korea, Breastfeeding, and Thierry Henry.

Salam!


I turned up at school yesterday to men in white suits walking around. I thought for a minute they had finally caught up with me. Luckily, they were just doing an incredible amount of painting. It was the last day of school, so afternoon classes were cancelled and then we went hiking. It's well over 30C. Unbelievably difficult to walk up a mountain in this weather. I was with a group of middle aged Korean men, so I felt as though backing down would be seen as some sort of abject failure as a man. So I stayed, and we climbed!




Afterwards, all the teachers, (about 150) ate and drank and sang at a Noraebang that was set up outside. I managed to avoid singing, although one teacher was convinced that me singing Candle in the Wind would make the whole event more enjoyable. In my avoidance of the stage I did attract the attention of some middle aged Korean women who took a liking to me. 'Cutey boy.' Apparently. There was also a teacher who speeeksh englishh verish wells. I could'mt believe how great his english was, although bizarrely he's picked up a strong Dutch accent along the way, so I had to try my very best not to laugh in his face! 'Iss reallys wantsh to be friendsh wish you. OK?' It always amazes me how many teachers only speak English when they have been drinking, and then theres nothing at school, until the next time everyone meets up. Good and bad I suppose. Overall I had a fantastic time, I met lots of new great people and I'm reminded that this is why I like Korea.

(other great Korean experience; bumped into one of my teachers at the supermarket, he was buying ice-cream and looked a little worse for wear. We walked home together and he was making very sure I wasn't hit by a car; arm around me at all times, almost throwing me into the bushes when he thought a car was near. Then he held my hand, before we parted ways. I saw him at school the next day, and he acted like nothing happened! Loving Korea at the moment! )

In 10 days I have Sean and Laura over for 2 weeks of Korean Experience. I just hope the Dog restaurant is open when they arrve, the traditional way to introduce people to Korea. If the rumours are to be believed, it enhances the sex drive. So I may well have 2 jet-lagged, tipsy, horny people to take care of, which I can't say I'm looking forward to. Anyway, 10 days guys, it's going to be emmense. Just don't forget my Colgate toothpaste.

The co-author of Korean Capers complained the other week, saying I wasn't making enough references to North Korea and Kim Jong Il. For those of you who are unfamiliar with him, here's a picture of him relaxing at home. (Caption suggestions welcome) The thing is, I'm starting to doubt some of the stories. 'Kim Jong Il is the only person in the world that can play all of Mozart's compositions with the harmonica while standing on top of a mountain breastfeeding a duck in 30 seconds.' Humourous? Possibly. Accurate? Highly unlikely. Andy, I'll release a little known fact about Mr Kim every time you publish a blog post. Anything will do, even some banal tale about buying a fan, or eating spicy food and getting the trots, or strange Korean women licking your fingers in bars on Saturday nigh....oh, wait a minute, that was me. Cycling stories though. We want more of them.





In other news, Thierry Henry reitred, sorry- moved to the MLS. Heres an American chatshow interviewing him. Very thoughtful. It starts really well. 'So, OK, so, you've just won the world cup, right?' and, 'where are you originally from?' Fantastic interview, I wonder if he regrets it yet. Actually, I'm not that bothered! Bye Tierry!
http://www.majorleaguesoccertalk.com/is-this-the-worst-soccer-interview-ever/9890




Assalaam-O-Alaikum to you all!

x

England you are a complete disappointment. Cheers!

'England fans! Don't be disappointed about all those unused St George flags, simply paint the red cross white and sell it to the French to use.'

Ah, how jokes get old fast.
One thing I will say is that the World Cup has reminded me of how overwhelmingly dull our national anthem is. No wonder Gary Neville never sung it.......

Ok, compare this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvJdtneNdOM
to this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAFteAPf3qo&feature=related

Ours is about 300 years old, sounds like a nursery rhyme, and reminds everyone how we should pray to God to save the Queen. It's 2010. Two people I feel I couldn't have less in common with. Neither, it seems, does Scotland. Not a God or a Queen to be heard in theirs. Although plenty of anti-English rhetoric. Around 1996 they decided to use the Flower of Scotland as their unofficial anthem. (yes, as bizarre as it seems, god save the queen is shared by everyone.) Well, not everyone, anymore......On that note, a big happy independence day to all you Americans out there.....Your welcome!

A simple idea to help make the World Cup more enjoyable for English people.

Decrease the quality of refereeing.

It's simple, and, as Capellos bulging package (wage package, you dirty buggars) will attest, much cheaper. All you need to do is reduce the amount of referee training; in 5 years you would be able to save money AND see a noticeable drop in footballing standards. This would also be a great time to begin and reduce referees pay. Then we will have a level of refereeing similar to that in South American countries. Unfair? How very dare you!

Take this example; the (Brazilian) referee for the England v USA game was suspended in the Brazilian league for, as Flemengo eloquently argued; an 'unambiguously inconsistent, unfair and inequitable technical performance.'

Not to be outdone, the Palmerias chairman piped up, calling him a
'a crook, a scoundrel and a shameless bastard.'

And he was the referee that Brazils FA picked to officiate at the World Cup. He was their NUMBER 1 man! If England are going to be outplayed in tournaments for the foreseeable future, the least we can do is make it a bit more exciting by sending an incompetent, possibly corrupt, refereeing team. This would mean we could cheer on 'the boys' well into the semis, and possibly even the final.

Man it's been a funny one at work. Had the students making World Cup Posters;
So, what's your team name?
'Blackmans'.
'Excuse me?'
'Blackmans.'
Erm, you can't have that.'
'But I like them.'
'I'm glad you do, but you have to change it.'
'Oh, Ok.'

They had to write English on the poster. Heres what we got.....
Height: 189cm
Age :29
Position: Defender
'He played Bridge wife very bad boy.'

And Joseph Yobo?

We got this.

Is that racist? I recall Sarah Palin refering to the country of Africa. Is that racist? Or just naive and innocent? Thing is, Palin wasn't, and to my knowledge, still isn't, a Korean high school boy.

I think I might have to do a lesson on the different races and countries in the world. Could be fun, will definitely be an eye opener! Sarah, your invited to my School in South Korea (Asia).

In other amazing news, I got Air Conditioning! Unannounced, obviously. My mentor teacher, who is a HERO, took a phone call, turned to me and said, 'You will get air con today. Lets go to your apartment now.' He was slightly concerned about the state of my apartment, too many water bottles being his chief concern. However, despite all the bottles, it was successfully installed, and I am now enjoying sleep at a reasonable temperature.

I bought a new camera, so I will really try and get some new snaps up soon. As soon as I see anything that interests me. We'll get the ball rolling with this sticker on the back of a car. Can't work out what it means really.

It says

'At the celestial body is personified god, at dawn he rises up across the sky from the Eastern Ocean, the Oceanus to the Western. In the night he sinks under the Western, crosses the ocean by golden boat, and turns back flow of the ocean to the East. He goes around the sky, and is known to the witness of pledge and oath as being able to observe everything of the world.'

For those Marvel fans with a keen eye, yes, the sign below is indeed the top of the Spiderman logo. Is the text describing Spiderman, or is it some religious thing? I genuinely have no idea. It could be a Korean Christian thing........Arrrggghh!!!! (PLENTY more on them next time)

Catch you crazy kids next week!
x

Football, Sexy Ladies and Hairdoos. A mans blog.

Greetings comrades!

Right then, lets get the world cup out of the way..........

Congratulations on Englands 0-0 against the great footballing nation of Algeria. And the 1-1 defeat against the U S of A. Bloody useless, the lot of them! Thankfully, as an Englishman, I crave disappointment so in a way I'm content However, my week at school was frustrating, 'teacher, Rob Green, very very stupid', and demanding they see the 'highlights'.

That's right (Ex) England goalkeeper Rob Green, there's South Korean children laughing at you, my ball catching-challenged friend.

However, there was some payback on Friday when I showed the defeat against Argentina. That 4^th goal really quietened them down, and I recommend all teachers in Korea to show it to noisy classes.

I watched that game in a park, and the atmosphere was amazing! An incredible turnout, and lots of fun. To top it off at full time there were fireworks at the end and we all cheered, although I'm not entirely sure why.

Kim Jong Il's boy narrowly lost to Brazil. Made better by Jong Tae Se crying like a baby before the game. Not sure why, as he was born in Japan to South Korean parents, but there you go. Maybe he realised that to play for North Korea you have to live in North Korea. (Update; he actually lives and plays in Japan.) One of an elite group of people with a envied North Korean passport. I mean, with that you can go pretty much everywhere!

The North also shipped over some cheerleaders for the event, which was, erm, different.

I might send Kim Jong Il an email suggesting he should change his nickname from 'the peoples Wayne Rooney' name to, like, someone decent. I recommend Torres or either of the Slovenia strikers. He probably gets a lot of emails, given his popularity, but he is an internet expert after all, so it should be no problem.

It appears the South Korean President commented on my last blog, insinuating Mr Kim enjoyed gazing at pornography in his free time. Thank you for you post Mr Bak. However, as an (incredibly) unofficial spokesperson for North Korea, I would like to state for the record that Mr Kim takes no satisfaction from watching a ridiculous amount of pornography, it is research for his next book entitled 'Porno; I watch it, you can't. Deal with THAT peasants'. It's not available yet, but in my role as unofficial spokesperson I am obliged/forced to assure you that the first draft is 'incredible', and 'contains lots of anti-American sentiments'.

As a disclaimer, as my new role as 'Very Unofficial Ammbasador of North Korea' grows, this blog will be sprinkled with pro North Korean comments. My aim?: to get one of these nice little badges.

There was a BBC documentary the other week on the the Glorious Democratic Peoples Amazing Republic Awesome Korea, and a fantastic moment when a worker is explaining how the country is completely self-sufficient, and a tractor with an EU sign pulls up. Sad yet funny. Made funnier with him trying to stand in the way of the flag and getting the driver to 'fuck right off' (the Korean is still a bit patchy), before admitting they had 'some problems' in the past. Understatement doesn't even begin to describe it. (Up to 800,000 died of famine in the 1990s.)

Quite shocking. (Although in my new role I feel obliged to point out that the tractor in question was in fact part of last weeks 'paint a flag on a tractor' competition, in which it finished 2^nd. The worker drew the correct number of stars, and was rewarded with an a day-pass to Euro Disney and a large glass of milk.)

On a happier note, I've had a haircut. So thank you to Ruth for that. I'm sat in a flat full of hair, but I'll deal with that later. Also, thanks for hacking my account. Someone said I'd been 'face-raped', which is a new term to me. And quite unsavoury one at that. Kids these days with their face-raping!

Anyway, they have a wonderful blog I recommend you read ( http://koreancapers.wordpress.com/ )which unlike mine, is very well written, although I will warn you sometimes her boyfriend writes on it so the quality fluctuates. It's good in that it actually talks about their experiences in Korea, rather than defending Kim Jong Il's alleged pornography addiction, but I will warn you; there's a lot less swearing. I read it and actually had to add in my own swearwords. For me, it reads a lot cock smoother.

So, what else, I made a band called the Willy Wooden Dilcocks. All members have to have phallus-related surname. There's someone called Frick, so she's a possible addition, although it probably has to go to a democratic (Peoples Republic of Korea) vote. I think she's got a foot in. For those of you who don't know, we are a folk band that does Weezer covers with a female singer. Watch out PLANET EARTH!

In other news my school declined my request for air conditioning.

There's my answer to THE most popular question for the summer...

'how are you?'

'Hot. as. Fuck. '
(Sean and Laura, I'm not giving up on it, I'll get something sorted.) One of my teachers suggested I could 'maybe open the window', so I could always try that.........

Finally, last week one of the English teachers, to preserve his anonymity we'll call him Mr Park, told me there was a sex education class. Oh, so....my class is cancelled then?.....

It was mandatory, for all the teachers.

'Will it be in Korean?'

'Yes.'

'I can't speak Korean.'

'I know. It's mandatory.'

'That's ridiculous, I've had sex like 6 times.'

OK, Ok, the last bit I made up. Turns out it wasn't as mandatory as they thought it was, and as a treat I taught an extra class. But man I would have LOVED to have gone. I had lots, and I mean LOTS of questions after, but they were a bit reluctant to tell me. I could only think it was because they picked up awesome tips.

Wouldn't happen in the North, that's all I'm gonna say...........

How much is that doggy in the basket?

Greetings good people!

Horticultural update: the 2 plants are alive and well. The third is still 'resting' underground.

These are my kids, there is a paternity dispute over one on the right, as I didn't technically buy it, but I've looked after it (albeit not very well)ever since. I know it's dead, but it's mine!

Also, the tall leafy one ( a Lily?) was lovely like 2 weeks ago, but did I remember to take a picture then? Did I fuck, is the answer. I'll give that one about 2 weeks.

Right, who died this week. I might do a weekly 'who's dead' section, depending on who dies, of course. It seem that people are dropping like flies at the moment. Take note Rolf Harris, you won't live forever, despite your outstanding version of Stairway to Heaven.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPOIy4Kb9M4

The definitive version there for your enjoyment.

So he's a re-cap of some of the newly dead;

1. That small American actor, you don't know his name but you'll recognise his face. Cause of death? Awesomeness.


2. Slipknots bassist. (still) Cause of death? Anonymity.


3. Dennis Hopper. Was he in Easy Rider? I've never seen it. Probably should.

4. Liverpool FC. Technically not dead yet, but there's no sign of life.

More positively, it was a great week at school! No-one died, the students were great, and the World Cup begins in a week so everyone's getting very excited about it. I might have to change my sleeping schedule to accommodate all the matches, but it'll be great fun. This week I taught the kids about Wayne Rooney's head resembling that of a potato. I actually started this last week, they didn't get it at first, so I showed them a picture of Rooney..... Everyone was excited. I showed them a picture of a potato. Not so excited. Showed them the picture of Rooney AND a potato, said 'same'. Immediate success. So successful that the students came in the week after saying, 'Wayne Rooney, 'Mr Potato Head'. In English. It's great to think that they will be 500 kids in Korea cheering on the potato-headed one next month.

I was planning on cheering on good ole' North Korea. They are in a group with Brazil and Portugal after all, so they need all the support they can get. However, due to their recent naughtiness, I have formally withdrawn my support. I hope Brazil beat them 7-0 just to hear Jong Il blame 'America and the puppet government in the South.' Again. I wonder if anyone in North Korea will actually be able to watch it.* I don't imagine Sky has a foothold in there yet, and I'm not sure how widespread the broadband is. Although, some people must have it. In fact, The Dear Leader describes himself as an 'internet expert'. Whatever that means.

*just about to post the blog and I found out that South Korea were going to show the Norths games as a good will gesture. That would be until they sunk the ship. I make that 1-1 between the 2 then.

It was election time in Korea, which has thankfully passed. Number 2 won, in case you were wondering. He was always the favourite, and had my full support. Korean elections are similar to elections throughout the world in that hundreds of middle aged women line the streets and dance to passing motorists. Also present were speaker systems pumping out different songs for each of them to dance to. Sometimes you had 4 sets of ladies at a junction, dancing at the passing traffic, with a big picture of the man (all men) they supported. I'm pleased to report that the best dancers won, and I managed to get a cheeky picture of them as I was whizzing past on a bus.

I was at a traditional market and I saw some dogs for sale. Normally I would assume they are for pets, but now I'm not sure. I've have lived in Korea long enough to not see dogs purely as potential pets, but also as meat for a soup. Sometimes I catch myself checking out the dogs, and I have to stop myself. Anyway, these guys were way too small for a man my size, although I was tempted to buy this one. As a pet, obviously. It was only £10!

If dogs not your thing, there's also an excellent fish market, and lots of it is still alive! There's also a man with a bag of live frogs, he takes a frog out of the bag, whacks it over the head, cuts it open, guts and skins it. All in about 30 seconds. Whilst smoking. I'll try and get a video of it up next time. The man is skilled! He throws the 'good bit' in a bucket and the legs are still twitching. I feel sorry for the frogs in the bag watching their friends meet an untimely demise. But I suppose it's fine, they are only frogs after all! I never knew Koreans ate frogs, I shall have to try some sometime.

Now go on, off you go and enjoy your weekends!

x

Korea Mourns.......

I had a long weekend (Happy Birthday Buddha!) so I've been out and about Jeonbuk. On Thursday I went to the University in Iksan for a festival, if felt as if there were hundreds of stalls selling beer and food. A fantastic atmosphere, although we didn't stay all night, some of the people I was with had to leave early; 'I have diarrhoea!'

On Friday I went to Jeonju for a music festival. There were unsigned bands from Seoul, the final 2 are worth a mention. Kingston Rudiska are a Korean ska band fronted by a very cute boy, I am told. Not much of a Ska fan as a rule, but it was brilliant. Get Yr Skates On better watch out when I'm back in the UK! The last band were a reggae /dub band with a Korean woman in traditional dress singing Korean folk songs. Yes, I was sceptical too, but it was fantastic! As you can see, the venue was also fantastic.

So, turns out North Korea sunk that ship after all. Not the biggest surprise in the world. I'd have been more surprised if it just sank, as some of the newspapers suggested at the time. It turns out my theory that it didn't just sink because ships don't just sink turned out to be accurate. To my knowledge, they try really hard to design them so they stay afloat, to prevent any kind of sinking issues. It's just a little frustrating that both sides responded by whipping their cocks out in a show of masculinity (an argument for more women in politics?)and beating their chests Tarzan style, but after they get tired they'll zip the old boys back in, put a shirt on and start talking.

The thing is, it's probably quite difficult to talk to a leader who told people he shot 11 holes in 1 the first time he ever played golf. (Thats 36 under par, for you golfers out there.) Not bad for a first time. Or when the South found tunnels that North Korea were digging underneath the country, he insisted that the North was looking for coal. Whats even more amazing/ridiculous is that before they left they painted the tunnel black! 100% true, I've seen the paint! What I would have given to be in that room where the brains of the country met to discuss tactics.

'Erm, so, like, they caught us digging the tunnels.'

'Shit.'

'What shall we do?'

'Have we got any black paint around?'

'I'll get my brush.'

In bigger news, Korea was rocked (sorry!) this week by the news of Dio's untimely passing, causing shops up and down the country to hastily erect homemade DIO placards above shop windows. I'm constructing a life-size Dio made of cardboard to take to school as my assistant for the week in remembrance. On a personal note, I'm disappointed as it scuppers any chance of that Rainbow reunion I've been after. Dio, Korea loves you! You will be greatly missed. Well, a little bit missed. Maybe. Who is he again?

Oh, and my flushing tactic I employed on the plants seems to have worked. I'm delighted to report 2 out of the 3 plants are alive, and while I wouldn't say they look healthy, they are hanging in there. The other one faded pretty quickly, it had been mistreated quite badly over a number of weeks; the

food poisoning was the final nail in the coffin, but it was on the cards. But, as Meatloaf once mused, 2 out of 3 ain't bad!

That's 2 rockstars I've managed to squeeze into the blog. I've actually just found out the Slipkont bassist has died, and am tempted to write about himbut I'm going to refrain. First, he wasn't popular in the 80's, and secondly because he wasn't very good. I doubt no-one even knows his name, eternally known as 'Slipknots bassist'. .....

It's all quiet on the Pickle front, so I'll love you and leave you with a students review of Bad Boys 2

........In the end, the guys bastards die.

x

Plants, Cocks and Pickles

Hi kids!

Long time no blog! Well, I'm back with yet another thriller from the Centre of the Universe, Iksan, Korea......

Let us begin with a picture. I've had this kicking around for a while now, thought I might as well share it with you all. An example of bad English, or just an awesome name? You decide.

I spotted a teacher on the way to work the other day, so I thought I'd have a bit of patter with her before work. This is how it went.

'Good morning, how are you?'

'I'm fine'


'How was your weekend?'


'About 20 minutes'


'Great. '


'I don't know.'

'Mmm, OK, bye'

'Nice to meet you.'

'You too.'

We both laughed, she mumbled something about understanding,(LIE!) and went our merry ways. I love these conversations, they become almost normal. Sometimes I think my English ability has declined. You can see for yourself as the quality of the blog deteriorates;)

Right, so, I a love Americans. I do, I love them. Without sounding corny (or racist), some of my best friends are American. But, brothers and sisters, you have some wonderfully ridiculous people in your ranks. And I know, every country has them, but yours tend to be a little, well, you know, louder.
See, I know that you are from America, but the language you speak is English. And I'm not just saying that because I'm English, it's a fact.

You see, last week I overheard a delightfully ridiculous question,

'Excuse me, do you speak American?'


Now, this isn't the first time I've heard it since I've been here. The first one was 'it's sooooo nice to finally meet someone who speaks American'.

This is when I try and pull the GCSE French out of the bag. Which sometimes works, Dans ma trousee un regle, un gomme, un bic, erm, jambon. Si vous pla....and they've gone! Ha!. Always a useful phrase, NOW I finally understand. That's why we were taught it, to confuse other white people who we don't want to talk to in foreign counties!

So, if you hear an American saying this kind of thing, my number one piece of advice is ignore them. Failing that, talk in French, failing that, well, if the French Pencil Case Defensive Manoeuvre hasn't worked you might just have to face the (probably incredibly loud) music and talk to them. Don't say I didn't warn you!

To recap, you are FROM America, your LANGUAGE is English.

Moving on, I went to a DJ Festival in Seoul at the weekend and it was amazing! The music was immense, and we partied all night! We arrived in the afternoon so to pass the time played one of my favourite games;'spot the nationality'. Basically, Irish people walk with a stoop. It's a sign of not wanting to be seen, apparently. English people look at the floor as they walk, embarrassed about being there. Don't argue, it's science! I would have pictures from the festival, but my camera doesn't work at night time any more. I think the flash has broke. Or the batteries died. Either way, I've got no pictures to share with you, so you'll just have to use your imagination!



One very brief election update (oooooooh so exciting!)

There is a man called Eric Pickles in the new cabinet.
That man is a twat. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6MrFV4c_sVY)

Although he doesn't look like he could run a bath, he's in charge of 'communites' or something like that.

I'll be posting updates when he says something i find offensive. Which will probably be weekly.

Last thing,I was bought a plant as a present. (thanks mate) This began an intersest in plants, and the desire to one day be a full time gardener.

Unfortunately, it seems that been a gardener is harder than it looks. The plant (we'll call her Doris) has not been well for quite some time. I've been determined to keep it alive, and have tried EVERYTHING! I tried giving it more water AND buying more plants to keep it company. Nothing was working. So, I had to resort to desperate measures. I heard about this fad called re-potting, so I gave it a go. I bought some soil, new, larger pots, and plant food. I re-potted them, and gave them a healthy dose of plant food. Just discussed my tactics with my parents, and they assured me I've given them what will probably be a lethal dose of plant food. I think I've murdered my plants. As I see it I have 2 options, another repot which I CANNOT be arsed with, or I could try and flush out the poison with a massive amount of water. The water idea is dangerous, Mother said, but a lot easier.

Buggar it I'm flushing, I'll give you updates next week. With photos, hopefully.

Take care boys and girls
x

Election Ramblings

Greetings my little chicks and cocks.


Are we all as excited as me about Thursday? It looks like it's going to be a good one. The bad news is I'll have to watch the coverage on CNN world. Sometimes it barely passes as an English language channel, nevermind a news channel. Watching it for more than 10 minutes sends me into a state somewhere between total disbelief and mild depression. I don't think I've ever learnt anything from it. I was watching it today and they were in England asking people about the election. This was the (actual) conversation.


'So, what do the think of the election campaign'


'Bored shit with it.'


'Who are you going to vote for?'


'BNP'

'Are they the party with the controversial attitudes towards immigration?


'Yes'


'Is that why you are going to vote for them?'


'Yes'

Thats what you get CNN for interviewing a man in an allotment, sorry, 'urban garden' on a Wednesday morning , live on TV. He continued his enlightenment by talking about how he wanted England to 'return to how it was 50 years ago' (read; white). Obviously that makes me immensely proud to be English. A nation full of racist gardeners. (for any American readers, the 'immensely' line was an example of sarcasm.)

Anyway, is everyone actually going to vote Lib Dems this time, or are we all just saying, and on the day change our minds like usual? If, on the day, you get nervous about voting Lib Dem, remember 3 things;

2. 1. A Lib Dem MP dated a Cheeky Girl

2. There was a 20 year age difference

2. 3. This is awesome.

Also, spotted this picture last week. (well, I googled 'George Osbournes sexy legs', and this was on the 4th page).

This is what happens when posh Conservatives get told to 'modernize'. They probably fight it at first, but then realise that they have to be seen to be 'in touch', and do what 'normal' people do. Now, I'm looking at the picture, and I don't see anything modern about that. Is that a Raleigh bike? I don't see anything normal about it either. I was kind of curious where he testicles were. They have to be somewhere!

Theres over 150 politicians are standing down at the election overr the expenses scandal. There is an opportunity to have some decent humans representing us. What a frightening idea!

Take the relatively honourable SIR Anthony Steen. His absolutely genuine response, to information that he had claimed £90,000 over 4 years in expenses on his second home, (fixing the water supply, guarding his shrubs against rabbits, tree surgery, etc).......

'Do you know what it is about? Jealousy. I have got a very, very large house. Some people say it looks like Balmoral, …............. It’s not particularly attractive, it just does me nicely and it’s got room to actually plant a few trees.' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDvxzWjtJvA

He's retiring, funnily enough. Probably to spend more time in his very, very large house. The twat. Did I mention he's a Conservative?

Anyway, that leaves us with boy Clegg and his gang of likeable yellow men.(and women). It could be a disaster. It'll definitely be a change. I'm up for it. Although I am living in South Korea.

Got to go, there's a delivery of ducks due, and I have to make sure I get a receipt;)

X

Upadate....Brown might not be finished yet! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BA2Jz7xIXw

The 3 most common things Korean teenagers shout at me out of windows

Greetings Peasants!

It's been about a week, so I thought I'd better sit here on a lovely Friday afternoon and churn out another blog post for you. News in brief,

• I only posted this post to beat a friends miserable record of 2 blog posts in a year! (You know who you are, Martin).

• I'm growing a large beard, which, as usual, is going very well. Some of the students love it, 'Ruud Van Nistelrooy', others not so much; 'you dirty face'.

• I plan to go hiking tomorrow, which I'm looking forward to immensely. There is a monkey school in a national park. My Rough Guide tells me I will not like it. Well, it hints at it, it says it 'features dressed up simians balancing on balls and riding around on little bikes.' Sorry, bad? Which part of this doesn't sound absolutely amazing? The only thing that disappoints me is that they don't know how to juggle. Expect some fantastic pictures next week.

• I got drunk with the teachers at lunchtime on Tuesday. They kept on offering me Soju, so I kept on drinking it. Everyone ate and got drunk, then we went back to school. Business as usual!

Right, on with the topic at hand, the 3 most common things Korean teenagers shout at me out of open windows. And it's sometimes ANY English that they know. If it makes sense, it's a bonus. The general approach is that something must be shouted at all costs. And loudly.

My favourite is a school girl who said 'hiiieeeeeeeeeeeeee', paused, tried to think of any other English, then said 'good luck' and ran away. I've never seen her since.

Anyway, my top 3;

1)'Handsome guy!'

It's because I'm western. Without doubt. They say it to everyone, and there's certainly no other Westerners that live near me, so I'm treat with interest and excitement. Outside school it's the same, with possibly a tinge of scepticism and racism. But that's OK, because you know what? I have no idea what they are saying!;)

'Fuck off home.'

'No its OK, Thank you, Goodbye.' (complete with slight nod)

Imagine how annoying that would be! Just for the record, I've experienced no (known!) racism here. People stare, so what, I'm almost used to it by now. And I do look different, so I can understand that.

2)'Teacher, big, size.'

'Teacher, Big Size'. I'm 6 foot 4. That's straight forward enough, I mean its just 3 English words whacked together, but you know what, I get it. And also, when I speak Korean I probably sound awful. 'Me, Teacher, school.' 'Me, UK, from.' I believe 'Conversational Caveman' is the term.

3) 'Hows the weather?'

My personal favourite.....'Hows the weather?'. I'm not sure if this a American English thing, or a translation of a Korean greeting (suggestions welcome), but this one stumps me every time. I always get flustered and blurt out.......

'It's, erm, cloudy. Hows the weather?'........

I ask THEM the question back. Even though I've just told them what it's like. I feel like an idiot, but they are happy about how this particular conversation is progressing. So, I ask, and they answer my question, telling me the weather again. Which I know, of course, because I've just told them, and were both stood next to each other. Outside.

Most of the time that's the end of the conversation. Usually they say good-bye, sometimes they just run away.

Right, I'm off to play with the Monkeys. Not metaphorically, literally!

Peace

x

Mr Camel. My Hero

So, I'm starting to regret posting the dog thing. It turns out some people like dogs, and don't particulary like the fact that I ate one. My apologies to my parents, the are the proud owners of a awesome looking German Pointer, who is currently working through some longstanding anger issues. 'he's OK, we just can't look at him in the eyes.' We have the Medusa of the dog world! Your probably thinking, well I bet he doesn't bite....well it does! It tried to bite my face off once, but alas, I am much taller!

So, this blog is about my school, and particulary my amazing students.

My Sixth Form is a Technical and Mechanical school, which means that the students ability is, shall we say, varied. I teach 500 students a week, and I think I can remember 3 names, which is 3 more than I anticipated in knowing at this stage. They are (I'm not making this up); J.D, Hogan, and one Mr Camel. I like Mr Camel the best, obviously. He has Korean graffiti on his jacket. I asked him what it said and he said, 'Camel, because I look like Camel'. I can't see it myself, but from then on he has become my favourite student. I think I added the 'Mr' part. He loves it!







It was quite intimidating at first, been in front of 30 16 year old boys (I teach maybe 10 girls in total). Especially when you don't speak Korean. And they don't want to speak English. And most of them are typical 16 year old boys, but some of them are fully grown men, big guys with attitudes and absolutely no English ability. I'm still a bit intimitdated around them, they just stare at me from the back of the room. I'll take a picture so you can see what I mean. (although I'll have to do it slyly)

Yesterday a student showed me a piece of paper with 'pussy' written on.



'Teacher, whats this?'


'It's a cat. Now get on with your work.'

I was surprised, not because of what he wrote, but he asked me a question in English! He usually only says one word, 'shit'; it's his catchphrase of sorts, which is really nice, but I would like him to develop that a bit. Perhaps whilst removing the 'shit' altogether.

We did a desert island exercise the other week, and they has to write 3 things they would take to the desert island, and why. Of course the good students came up with First Aid Kit, Tent, Axe, e.t.c. The itimidating boys at the back of the class came up with guns, knifes, bullets. Some (rather amazing) students said beer, cigarettes, fast cars, and women. I think I have to try not to laugh, but it's difficult when the reason for women is 'to intercourse'. A certain Mr Camel was responsible for that one. One half of me wanted to give him a disapproving look, the other one wanted me pat him on the back and say 'good job'. I think I gave him the look, but I can't be sure..........


Classes are cancelled next week, it's exam time. The bad side I won't be able to keep you up to date on the life and times of Mr Camel, the good side is I have no classes. Expect a long blog next week!

Real Men eat Dogs

I remember when I left the UK I thought to myself, 'mate your going to make the most amazing blog, witty yet informative, well written, slightly sarcastic, it'll be fantastic.' I've been here in South Korea 8 months now, and am only now beginning it, which kind of reflects my commitment to life in general, but hopefully it can keep at least someone up to date with what I'm doing. For those of you that know me I'm not the best email replier, tend not to reply to text messages, and only got a Facebook account when I moved to Korea.

That said, if you are unhappy with the style of writing, quality of jokes, or general lack of focus, please let me know. I will be happy to recommend blogs with all of the qualities detailed above.
I've lived here for 8 months, so I don't have all the amazing 'I've-just-got here-wow-look-at-that' stories. But I saw a woman walking down a street with a dog on her head. Stood up. On her head. These stories I will share.



Sticking tightly to the dog theme, I ate one last week. Now I know you probably think I stole it off that woman's head and ate that one. That would be inaccurate. Nor, was it an entire dog. But I did eat some of it, and you know what? It was OK!



My good friend, and possibly sole follower of this blog, we'll call him Mr Flymo, visited me. He arrived looking pretty exhausted, either from the 12 hour flight or the 12 hour complimentary drinks;

'hey, a beer.'

'sorry, we've run out.'

'red wine?'

'out.'

'white wine.?

'Sir, you've had enough.'

'anything then.'

Audible 'sigh'

This may have happened. I was too polite to ask. However, I looked at him and thought, 'My god, what this man needs is a tasty

dog.'

Before we continue, not everyone in Korea eats dog. No where near everyone. You don't find it on regular menus in regular restaurants, and there's no way you'll order it by accident. The restaurants are quite tricky to find, and the one we went to only had dog dishes available. Koreans themselves are a bit embarrassed by it; apparently people only realised that they eat dog in 1988, coincidently the same year as the Olympics were held here. So it was either due to the new exposure of a traditionally isolated country, or dog eating became an Olympic Event. If the latter is true, 2012 is coming up. I'm in the ideal position to bring success to Team GB. I reckon with practice theres no reason why I can't eat, with training, like, 5 dogs in a single sitting.

Anyway, we arrive in the restaurant, and it looks like a normal Korean restaurant. And the people in here seem pretty normal. And the people who work in the restaurant seem normal. Where's the skinned dogs hanging from the roof in the kitchen? Where's the moist dog hair on the floor? We sit down and order ' 1 massive dog, please', if my memory serves me correctly. The lovely lady brings over a soup called Bosintang, and meat, the latter brought on a gas stove that cooks in front of us. And there it is. Sizzling away in front of us. 'Would you like some steak mate?'......



I not going to describe the feelings or tastes I experienced, that would be spoiling it for people who want to try. But I will say that if anyone is thinking of eating it, I would recommend it. Similarly, if you don't want to, don't. It's your choice!


It's not disgusting. It's just different. Korea is different. Anyone for 'steak'?;)