Election Ramblings

Greetings my little chicks and cocks.


Are we all as excited as me about Thursday? It looks like it's going to be a good one. The bad news is I'll have to watch the coverage on CNN world. Sometimes it barely passes as an English language channel, nevermind a news channel. Watching it for more than 10 minutes sends me into a state somewhere between total disbelief and mild depression. I don't think I've ever learnt anything from it. I was watching it today and they were in England asking people about the election. This was the (actual) conversation.


'So, what do the think of the election campaign'


'Bored shit with it.'


'Who are you going to vote for?'


'BNP'

'Are they the party with the controversial attitudes towards immigration?


'Yes'


'Is that why you are going to vote for them?'


'Yes'

Thats what you get CNN for interviewing a man in an allotment, sorry, 'urban garden' on a Wednesday morning , live on TV. He continued his enlightenment by talking about how he wanted England to 'return to how it was 50 years ago' (read; white). Obviously that makes me immensely proud to be English. A nation full of racist gardeners. (for any American readers, the 'immensely' line was an example of sarcasm.)

Anyway, is everyone actually going to vote Lib Dems this time, or are we all just saying, and on the day change our minds like usual? If, on the day, you get nervous about voting Lib Dem, remember 3 things;

2. 1. A Lib Dem MP dated a Cheeky Girl

2. There was a 20 year age difference

2. 3. This is awesome.

Also, spotted this picture last week. (well, I googled 'George Osbournes sexy legs', and this was on the 4th page).

This is what happens when posh Conservatives get told to 'modernize'. They probably fight it at first, but then realise that they have to be seen to be 'in touch', and do what 'normal' people do. Now, I'm looking at the picture, and I don't see anything modern about that. Is that a Raleigh bike? I don't see anything normal about it either. I was kind of curious where he testicles were. They have to be somewhere!

Theres over 150 politicians are standing down at the election overr the expenses scandal. There is an opportunity to have some decent humans representing us. What a frightening idea!

Take the relatively honourable SIR Anthony Steen. His absolutely genuine response, to information that he had claimed £90,000 over 4 years in expenses on his second home, (fixing the water supply, guarding his shrubs against rabbits, tree surgery, etc).......

'Do you know what it is about? Jealousy. I have got a very, very large house. Some people say it looks like Balmoral, …............. It’s not particularly attractive, it just does me nicely and it’s got room to actually plant a few trees.' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDvxzWjtJvA

He's retiring, funnily enough. Probably to spend more time in his very, very large house. The twat. Did I mention he's a Conservative?

Anyway, that leaves us with boy Clegg and his gang of likeable yellow men.(and women). It could be a disaster. It'll definitely be a change. I'm up for it. Although I am living in South Korea.

Got to go, there's a delivery of ducks due, and I have to make sure I get a receipt;)

X

Upadate....Brown might not be finished yet! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BA2Jz7xIXw

The 3 most common things Korean teenagers shout at me out of windows

Greetings Peasants!

It's been about a week, so I thought I'd better sit here on a lovely Friday afternoon and churn out another blog post for you. News in brief,

• I only posted this post to beat a friends miserable record of 2 blog posts in a year! (You know who you are, Martin).

• I'm growing a large beard, which, as usual, is going very well. Some of the students love it, 'Ruud Van Nistelrooy', others not so much; 'you dirty face'.

• I plan to go hiking tomorrow, which I'm looking forward to immensely. There is a monkey school in a national park. My Rough Guide tells me I will not like it. Well, it hints at it, it says it 'features dressed up simians balancing on balls and riding around on little bikes.' Sorry, bad? Which part of this doesn't sound absolutely amazing? The only thing that disappoints me is that they don't know how to juggle. Expect some fantastic pictures next week.

• I got drunk with the teachers at lunchtime on Tuesday. They kept on offering me Soju, so I kept on drinking it. Everyone ate and got drunk, then we went back to school. Business as usual!

Right, on with the topic at hand, the 3 most common things Korean teenagers shout at me out of open windows. And it's sometimes ANY English that they know. If it makes sense, it's a bonus. The general approach is that something must be shouted at all costs. And loudly.

My favourite is a school girl who said 'hiiieeeeeeeeeeeeee', paused, tried to think of any other English, then said 'good luck' and ran away. I've never seen her since.

Anyway, my top 3;

1)'Handsome guy!'

It's because I'm western. Without doubt. They say it to everyone, and there's certainly no other Westerners that live near me, so I'm treat with interest and excitement. Outside school it's the same, with possibly a tinge of scepticism and racism. But that's OK, because you know what? I have no idea what they are saying!;)

'Fuck off home.'

'No its OK, Thank you, Goodbye.' (complete with slight nod)

Imagine how annoying that would be! Just for the record, I've experienced no (known!) racism here. People stare, so what, I'm almost used to it by now. And I do look different, so I can understand that.

2)'Teacher, big, size.'

'Teacher, Big Size'. I'm 6 foot 4. That's straight forward enough, I mean its just 3 English words whacked together, but you know what, I get it. And also, when I speak Korean I probably sound awful. 'Me, Teacher, school.' 'Me, UK, from.' I believe 'Conversational Caveman' is the term.

3) 'Hows the weather?'

My personal favourite.....'Hows the weather?'. I'm not sure if this a American English thing, or a translation of a Korean greeting (suggestions welcome), but this one stumps me every time. I always get flustered and blurt out.......

'It's, erm, cloudy. Hows the weather?'........

I ask THEM the question back. Even though I've just told them what it's like. I feel like an idiot, but they are happy about how this particular conversation is progressing. So, I ask, and they answer my question, telling me the weather again. Which I know, of course, because I've just told them, and were both stood next to each other. Outside.

Most of the time that's the end of the conversation. Usually they say good-bye, sometimes they just run away.

Right, I'm off to play with the Monkeys. Not metaphorically, literally!

Peace

x

Mr Camel. My Hero

So, I'm starting to regret posting the dog thing. It turns out some people like dogs, and don't particulary like the fact that I ate one. My apologies to my parents, the are the proud owners of a awesome looking German Pointer, who is currently working through some longstanding anger issues. 'he's OK, we just can't look at him in the eyes.' We have the Medusa of the dog world! Your probably thinking, well I bet he doesn't bite....well it does! It tried to bite my face off once, but alas, I am much taller!

So, this blog is about my school, and particulary my amazing students.

My Sixth Form is a Technical and Mechanical school, which means that the students ability is, shall we say, varied. I teach 500 students a week, and I think I can remember 3 names, which is 3 more than I anticipated in knowing at this stage. They are (I'm not making this up); J.D, Hogan, and one Mr Camel. I like Mr Camel the best, obviously. He has Korean graffiti on his jacket. I asked him what it said and he said, 'Camel, because I look like Camel'. I can't see it myself, but from then on he has become my favourite student. I think I added the 'Mr' part. He loves it!







It was quite intimidating at first, been in front of 30 16 year old boys (I teach maybe 10 girls in total). Especially when you don't speak Korean. And they don't want to speak English. And most of them are typical 16 year old boys, but some of them are fully grown men, big guys with attitudes and absolutely no English ability. I'm still a bit intimitdated around them, they just stare at me from the back of the room. I'll take a picture so you can see what I mean. (although I'll have to do it slyly)

Yesterday a student showed me a piece of paper with 'pussy' written on.



'Teacher, whats this?'


'It's a cat. Now get on with your work.'

I was surprised, not because of what he wrote, but he asked me a question in English! He usually only says one word, 'shit'; it's his catchphrase of sorts, which is really nice, but I would like him to develop that a bit. Perhaps whilst removing the 'shit' altogether.

We did a desert island exercise the other week, and they has to write 3 things they would take to the desert island, and why. Of course the good students came up with First Aid Kit, Tent, Axe, e.t.c. The itimidating boys at the back of the class came up with guns, knifes, bullets. Some (rather amazing) students said beer, cigarettes, fast cars, and women. I think I have to try not to laugh, but it's difficult when the reason for women is 'to intercourse'. A certain Mr Camel was responsible for that one. One half of me wanted to give him a disapproving look, the other one wanted me pat him on the back and say 'good job'. I think I gave him the look, but I can't be sure..........


Classes are cancelled next week, it's exam time. The bad side I won't be able to keep you up to date on the life and times of Mr Camel, the good side is I have no classes. Expect a long blog next week!

Real Men eat Dogs

I remember when I left the UK I thought to myself, 'mate your going to make the most amazing blog, witty yet informative, well written, slightly sarcastic, it'll be fantastic.' I've been here in South Korea 8 months now, and am only now beginning it, which kind of reflects my commitment to life in general, but hopefully it can keep at least someone up to date with what I'm doing. For those of you that know me I'm not the best email replier, tend not to reply to text messages, and only got a Facebook account when I moved to Korea.

That said, if you are unhappy with the style of writing, quality of jokes, or general lack of focus, please let me know. I will be happy to recommend blogs with all of the qualities detailed above.
I've lived here for 8 months, so I don't have all the amazing 'I've-just-got here-wow-look-at-that' stories. But I saw a woman walking down a street with a dog on her head. Stood up. On her head. These stories I will share.



Sticking tightly to the dog theme, I ate one last week. Now I know you probably think I stole it off that woman's head and ate that one. That would be inaccurate. Nor, was it an entire dog. But I did eat some of it, and you know what? It was OK!



My good friend, and possibly sole follower of this blog, we'll call him Mr Flymo, visited me. He arrived looking pretty exhausted, either from the 12 hour flight or the 12 hour complimentary drinks;

'hey, a beer.'

'sorry, we've run out.'

'red wine?'

'out.'

'white wine.?

'Sir, you've had enough.'

'anything then.'

Audible 'sigh'

This may have happened. I was too polite to ask. However, I looked at him and thought, 'My god, what this man needs is a tasty

dog.'

Before we continue, not everyone in Korea eats dog. No where near everyone. You don't find it on regular menus in regular restaurants, and there's no way you'll order it by accident. The restaurants are quite tricky to find, and the one we went to only had dog dishes available. Koreans themselves are a bit embarrassed by it; apparently people only realised that they eat dog in 1988, coincidently the same year as the Olympics were held here. So it was either due to the new exposure of a traditionally isolated country, or dog eating became an Olympic Event. If the latter is true, 2012 is coming up. I'm in the ideal position to bring success to Team GB. I reckon with practice theres no reason why I can't eat, with training, like, 5 dogs in a single sitting.

Anyway, we arrive in the restaurant, and it looks like a normal Korean restaurant. And the people in here seem pretty normal. And the people who work in the restaurant seem normal. Where's the skinned dogs hanging from the roof in the kitchen? Where's the moist dog hair on the floor? We sit down and order ' 1 massive dog, please', if my memory serves me correctly. The lovely lady brings over a soup called Bosintang, and meat, the latter brought on a gas stove that cooks in front of us. And there it is. Sizzling away in front of us. 'Would you like some steak mate?'......



I not going to describe the feelings or tastes I experienced, that would be spoiling it for people who want to try. But I will say that if anyone is thinking of eating it, I would recommend it. Similarly, if you don't want to, don't. It's your choice!


It's not disgusting. It's just different. Korea is different. Anyone for 'steak'?;)