Football, Sexy Ladies and Hairdoos. A mans blog.

Greetings comrades!

Right then, lets get the world cup out of the way..........

Congratulations on Englands 0-0 against the great footballing nation of Algeria. And the 1-1 defeat against the U S of A. Bloody useless, the lot of them! Thankfully, as an Englishman, I crave disappointment so in a way I'm content However, my week at school was frustrating, 'teacher, Rob Green, very very stupid', and demanding they see the 'highlights'.

That's right (Ex) England goalkeeper Rob Green, there's South Korean children laughing at you, my ball catching-challenged friend.

However, there was some payback on Friday when I showed the defeat against Argentina. That 4^th goal really quietened them down, and I recommend all teachers in Korea to show it to noisy classes.

I watched that game in a park, and the atmosphere was amazing! An incredible turnout, and lots of fun. To top it off at full time there were fireworks at the end and we all cheered, although I'm not entirely sure why.

Kim Jong Il's boy narrowly lost to Brazil. Made better by Jong Tae Se crying like a baby before the game. Not sure why, as he was born in Japan to South Korean parents, but there you go. Maybe he realised that to play for North Korea you have to live in North Korea. (Update; he actually lives and plays in Japan.) One of an elite group of people with a envied North Korean passport. I mean, with that you can go pretty much everywhere!

The North also shipped over some cheerleaders for the event, which was, erm, different.

I might send Kim Jong Il an email suggesting he should change his nickname from 'the peoples Wayne Rooney' name to, like, someone decent. I recommend Torres or either of the Slovenia strikers. He probably gets a lot of emails, given his popularity, but he is an internet expert after all, so it should be no problem.

It appears the South Korean President commented on my last blog, insinuating Mr Kim enjoyed gazing at pornography in his free time. Thank you for you post Mr Bak. However, as an (incredibly) unofficial spokesperson for North Korea, I would like to state for the record that Mr Kim takes no satisfaction from watching a ridiculous amount of pornography, it is research for his next book entitled 'Porno; I watch it, you can't. Deal with THAT peasants'. It's not available yet, but in my role as unofficial spokesperson I am obliged/forced to assure you that the first draft is 'incredible', and 'contains lots of anti-American sentiments'.

As a disclaimer, as my new role as 'Very Unofficial Ammbasador of North Korea' grows, this blog will be sprinkled with pro North Korean comments. My aim?: to get one of these nice little badges.

There was a BBC documentary the other week on the the Glorious Democratic Peoples Amazing Republic Awesome Korea, and a fantastic moment when a worker is explaining how the country is completely self-sufficient, and a tractor with an EU sign pulls up. Sad yet funny. Made funnier with him trying to stand in the way of the flag and getting the driver to 'fuck right off' (the Korean is still a bit patchy), before admitting they had 'some problems' in the past. Understatement doesn't even begin to describe it. (Up to 800,000 died of famine in the 1990s.)

Quite shocking. (Although in my new role I feel obliged to point out that the tractor in question was in fact part of last weeks 'paint a flag on a tractor' competition, in which it finished 2^nd. The worker drew the correct number of stars, and was rewarded with an a day-pass to Euro Disney and a large glass of milk.)

On a happier note, I've had a haircut. So thank you to Ruth for that. I'm sat in a flat full of hair, but I'll deal with that later. Also, thanks for hacking my account. Someone said I'd been 'face-raped', which is a new term to me. And quite unsavoury one at that. Kids these days with their face-raping!

Anyway, they have a wonderful blog I recommend you read ( http://koreancapers.wordpress.com/ )which unlike mine, is very well written, although I will warn you sometimes her boyfriend writes on it so the quality fluctuates. It's good in that it actually talks about their experiences in Korea, rather than defending Kim Jong Il's alleged pornography addiction, but I will warn you; there's a lot less swearing. I read it and actually had to add in my own swearwords. For me, it reads a lot cock smoother.

So, what else, I made a band called the Willy Wooden Dilcocks. All members have to have phallus-related surname. There's someone called Frick, so she's a possible addition, although it probably has to go to a democratic (Peoples Republic of Korea) vote. I think she's got a foot in. For those of you who don't know, we are a folk band that does Weezer covers with a female singer. Watch out PLANET EARTH!

In other news my school declined my request for air conditioning.

There's my answer to THE most popular question for the summer...

'how are you?'

'Hot. as. Fuck. '
(Sean and Laura, I'm not giving up on it, I'll get something sorted.) One of my teachers suggested I could 'maybe open the window', so I could always try that.........

Finally, last week one of the English teachers, to preserve his anonymity we'll call him Mr Park, told me there was a sex education class. Oh, so....my class is cancelled then?.....

It was mandatory, for all the teachers.

'Will it be in Korean?'

'Yes.'

'I can't speak Korean.'

'I know. It's mandatory.'

'That's ridiculous, I've had sex like 6 times.'

OK, Ok, the last bit I made up. Turns out it wasn't as mandatory as they thought it was, and as a treat I taught an extra class. But man I would have LOVED to have gone. I had lots, and I mean LOTS of questions after, but they were a bit reluctant to tell me. I could only think it was because they picked up awesome tips.

Wouldn't happen in the North, that's all I'm gonna say...........