Football, Sexy Ladies and Hairdoos. A mans blog.

Greetings comrades!

Right then, lets get the world cup out of the way..........

Congratulations on Englands 0-0 against the great footballing nation of Algeria. And the 1-1 defeat against the U S of A. Bloody useless, the lot of them! Thankfully, as an Englishman, I crave disappointment so in a way I'm content However, my week at school was frustrating, 'teacher, Rob Green, very very stupid', and demanding they see the 'highlights'.

That's right (Ex) England goalkeeper Rob Green, there's South Korean children laughing at you, my ball catching-challenged friend.

However, there was some payback on Friday when I showed the defeat against Argentina. That 4^th goal really quietened them down, and I recommend all teachers in Korea to show it to noisy classes.

I watched that game in a park, and the atmosphere was amazing! An incredible turnout, and lots of fun. To top it off at full time there were fireworks at the end and we all cheered, although I'm not entirely sure why.

Kim Jong Il's boy narrowly lost to Brazil. Made better by Jong Tae Se crying like a baby before the game. Not sure why, as he was born in Japan to South Korean parents, but there you go. Maybe he realised that to play for North Korea you have to live in North Korea. (Update; he actually lives and plays in Japan.) One of an elite group of people with a envied North Korean passport. I mean, with that you can go pretty much everywhere!

The North also shipped over some cheerleaders for the event, which was, erm, different.

I might send Kim Jong Il an email suggesting he should change his nickname from 'the peoples Wayne Rooney' name to, like, someone decent. I recommend Torres or either of the Slovenia strikers. He probably gets a lot of emails, given his popularity, but he is an internet expert after all, so it should be no problem.

It appears the South Korean President commented on my last blog, insinuating Mr Kim enjoyed gazing at pornography in his free time. Thank you for you post Mr Bak. However, as an (incredibly) unofficial spokesperson for North Korea, I would like to state for the record that Mr Kim takes no satisfaction from watching a ridiculous amount of pornography, it is research for his next book entitled 'Porno; I watch it, you can't. Deal with THAT peasants'. It's not available yet, but in my role as unofficial spokesperson I am obliged/forced to assure you that the first draft is 'incredible', and 'contains lots of anti-American sentiments'.

As a disclaimer, as my new role as 'Very Unofficial Ammbasador of North Korea' grows, this blog will be sprinkled with pro North Korean comments. My aim?: to get one of these nice little badges.

There was a BBC documentary the other week on the the Glorious Democratic Peoples Amazing Republic Awesome Korea, and a fantastic moment when a worker is explaining how the country is completely self-sufficient, and a tractor with an EU sign pulls up. Sad yet funny. Made funnier with him trying to stand in the way of the flag and getting the driver to 'fuck right off' (the Korean is still a bit patchy), before admitting they had 'some problems' in the past. Understatement doesn't even begin to describe it. (Up to 800,000 died of famine in the 1990s.)

Quite shocking. (Although in my new role I feel obliged to point out that the tractor in question was in fact part of last weeks 'paint a flag on a tractor' competition, in which it finished 2^nd. The worker drew the correct number of stars, and was rewarded with an a day-pass to Euro Disney and a large glass of milk.)

On a happier note, I've had a haircut. So thank you to Ruth for that. I'm sat in a flat full of hair, but I'll deal with that later. Also, thanks for hacking my account. Someone said I'd been 'face-raped', which is a new term to me. And quite unsavoury one at that. Kids these days with their face-raping!

Anyway, they have a wonderful blog I recommend you read ( http://koreancapers.wordpress.com/ )which unlike mine, is very well written, although I will warn you sometimes her boyfriend writes on it so the quality fluctuates. It's good in that it actually talks about their experiences in Korea, rather than defending Kim Jong Il's alleged pornography addiction, but I will warn you; there's a lot less swearing. I read it and actually had to add in my own swearwords. For me, it reads a lot cock smoother.

So, what else, I made a band called the Willy Wooden Dilcocks. All members have to have phallus-related surname. There's someone called Frick, so she's a possible addition, although it probably has to go to a democratic (Peoples Republic of Korea) vote. I think she's got a foot in. For those of you who don't know, we are a folk band that does Weezer covers with a female singer. Watch out PLANET EARTH!

In other news my school declined my request for air conditioning.

There's my answer to THE most popular question for the summer...

'how are you?'

'Hot. as. Fuck. '
(Sean and Laura, I'm not giving up on it, I'll get something sorted.) One of my teachers suggested I could 'maybe open the window', so I could always try that.........

Finally, last week one of the English teachers, to preserve his anonymity we'll call him Mr Park, told me there was a sex education class. Oh, so....my class is cancelled then?.....

It was mandatory, for all the teachers.

'Will it be in Korean?'

'Yes.'

'I can't speak Korean.'

'I know. It's mandatory.'

'That's ridiculous, I've had sex like 6 times.'

OK, Ok, the last bit I made up. Turns out it wasn't as mandatory as they thought it was, and as a treat I taught an extra class. But man I would have LOVED to have gone. I had lots, and I mean LOTS of questions after, but they were a bit reluctant to tell me. I could only think it was because they picked up awesome tips.

Wouldn't happen in the North, that's all I'm gonna say...........

How much is that doggy in the basket?

Greetings good people!

Horticultural update: the 2 plants are alive and well. The third is still 'resting' underground.

These are my kids, there is a paternity dispute over one on the right, as I didn't technically buy it, but I've looked after it (albeit not very well)ever since. I know it's dead, but it's mine!

Also, the tall leafy one ( a Lily?) was lovely like 2 weeks ago, but did I remember to take a picture then? Did I fuck, is the answer. I'll give that one about 2 weeks.

Right, who died this week. I might do a weekly 'who's dead' section, depending on who dies, of course. It seem that people are dropping like flies at the moment. Take note Rolf Harris, you won't live forever, despite your outstanding version of Stairway to Heaven.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPOIy4Kb9M4

The definitive version there for your enjoyment.

So he's a re-cap of some of the newly dead;

1. That small American actor, you don't know his name but you'll recognise his face. Cause of death? Awesomeness.


2. Slipknots bassist. (still) Cause of death? Anonymity.


3. Dennis Hopper. Was he in Easy Rider? I've never seen it. Probably should.

4. Liverpool FC. Technically not dead yet, but there's no sign of life.

More positively, it was a great week at school! No-one died, the students were great, and the World Cup begins in a week so everyone's getting very excited about it. I might have to change my sleeping schedule to accommodate all the matches, but it'll be great fun. This week I taught the kids about Wayne Rooney's head resembling that of a potato. I actually started this last week, they didn't get it at first, so I showed them a picture of Rooney..... Everyone was excited. I showed them a picture of a potato. Not so excited. Showed them the picture of Rooney AND a potato, said 'same'. Immediate success. So successful that the students came in the week after saying, 'Wayne Rooney, 'Mr Potato Head'. In English. It's great to think that they will be 500 kids in Korea cheering on the potato-headed one next month.

I was planning on cheering on good ole' North Korea. They are in a group with Brazil and Portugal after all, so they need all the support they can get. However, due to their recent naughtiness, I have formally withdrawn my support. I hope Brazil beat them 7-0 just to hear Jong Il blame 'America and the puppet government in the South.' Again. I wonder if anyone in North Korea will actually be able to watch it.* I don't imagine Sky has a foothold in there yet, and I'm not sure how widespread the broadband is. Although, some people must have it. In fact, The Dear Leader describes himself as an 'internet expert'. Whatever that means.

*just about to post the blog and I found out that South Korea were going to show the Norths games as a good will gesture. That would be until they sunk the ship. I make that 1-1 between the 2 then.

It was election time in Korea, which has thankfully passed. Number 2 won, in case you were wondering. He was always the favourite, and had my full support. Korean elections are similar to elections throughout the world in that hundreds of middle aged women line the streets and dance to passing motorists. Also present were speaker systems pumping out different songs for each of them to dance to. Sometimes you had 4 sets of ladies at a junction, dancing at the passing traffic, with a big picture of the man (all men) they supported. I'm pleased to report that the best dancers won, and I managed to get a cheeky picture of them as I was whizzing past on a bus.

I was at a traditional market and I saw some dogs for sale. Normally I would assume they are for pets, but now I'm not sure. I've have lived in Korea long enough to not see dogs purely as potential pets, but also as meat for a soup. Sometimes I catch myself checking out the dogs, and I have to stop myself. Anyway, these guys were way too small for a man my size, although I was tempted to buy this one. As a pet, obviously. It was only £10!

If dogs not your thing, there's also an excellent fish market, and lots of it is still alive! There's also a man with a bag of live frogs, he takes a frog out of the bag, whacks it over the head, cuts it open, guts and skins it. All in about 30 seconds. Whilst smoking. I'll try and get a video of it up next time. The man is skilled! He throws the 'good bit' in a bucket and the legs are still twitching. I feel sorry for the frogs in the bag watching their friends meet an untimely demise. But I suppose it's fine, they are only frogs after all! I never knew Koreans ate frogs, I shall have to try some sometime.

Now go on, off you go and enjoy your weekends!

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