How much is that doggy in the basket?

Greetings good people!

Horticultural update: the 2 plants are alive and well. The third is still 'resting' underground.

These are my kids, there is a paternity dispute over one on the right, as I didn't technically buy it, but I've looked after it (albeit not very well)ever since. I know it's dead, but it's mine!

Also, the tall leafy one ( a Lily?) was lovely like 2 weeks ago, but did I remember to take a picture then? Did I fuck, is the answer. I'll give that one about 2 weeks.

Right, who died this week. I might do a weekly 'who's dead' section, depending on who dies, of course. It seem that people are dropping like flies at the moment. Take note Rolf Harris, you won't live forever, despite your outstanding version of Stairway to Heaven.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPOIy4Kb9M4

The definitive version there for your enjoyment.

So he's a re-cap of some of the newly dead;

1. That small American actor, you don't know his name but you'll recognise his face. Cause of death? Awesomeness.


2. Slipknots bassist. (still) Cause of death? Anonymity.


3. Dennis Hopper. Was he in Easy Rider? I've never seen it. Probably should.

4. Liverpool FC. Technically not dead yet, but there's no sign of life.

More positively, it was a great week at school! No-one died, the students were great, and the World Cup begins in a week so everyone's getting very excited about it. I might have to change my sleeping schedule to accommodate all the matches, but it'll be great fun. This week I taught the kids about Wayne Rooney's head resembling that of a potato. I actually started this last week, they didn't get it at first, so I showed them a picture of Rooney..... Everyone was excited. I showed them a picture of a potato. Not so excited. Showed them the picture of Rooney AND a potato, said 'same'. Immediate success. So successful that the students came in the week after saying, 'Wayne Rooney, 'Mr Potato Head'. In English. It's great to think that they will be 500 kids in Korea cheering on the potato-headed one next month.

I was planning on cheering on good ole' North Korea. They are in a group with Brazil and Portugal after all, so they need all the support they can get. However, due to their recent naughtiness, I have formally withdrawn my support. I hope Brazil beat them 7-0 just to hear Jong Il blame 'America and the puppet government in the South.' Again. I wonder if anyone in North Korea will actually be able to watch it.* I don't imagine Sky has a foothold in there yet, and I'm not sure how widespread the broadband is. Although, some people must have it. In fact, The Dear Leader describes himself as an 'internet expert'. Whatever that means.

*just about to post the blog and I found out that South Korea were going to show the Norths games as a good will gesture. That would be until they sunk the ship. I make that 1-1 between the 2 then.

It was election time in Korea, which has thankfully passed. Number 2 won, in case you were wondering. He was always the favourite, and had my full support. Korean elections are similar to elections throughout the world in that hundreds of middle aged women line the streets and dance to passing motorists. Also present were speaker systems pumping out different songs for each of them to dance to. Sometimes you had 4 sets of ladies at a junction, dancing at the passing traffic, with a big picture of the man (all men) they supported. I'm pleased to report that the best dancers won, and I managed to get a cheeky picture of them as I was whizzing past on a bus.

I was at a traditional market and I saw some dogs for sale. Normally I would assume they are for pets, but now I'm not sure. I've have lived in Korea long enough to not see dogs purely as potential pets, but also as meat for a soup. Sometimes I catch myself checking out the dogs, and I have to stop myself. Anyway, these guys were way too small for a man my size, although I was tempted to buy this one. As a pet, obviously. It was only £10!

If dogs not your thing, there's also an excellent fish market, and lots of it is still alive! There's also a man with a bag of live frogs, he takes a frog out of the bag, whacks it over the head, cuts it open, guts and skins it. All in about 30 seconds. Whilst smoking. I'll try and get a video of it up next time. The man is skilled! He throws the 'good bit' in a bucket and the legs are still twitching. I feel sorry for the frogs in the bag watching their friends meet an untimely demise. But I suppose it's fine, they are only frogs after all! I never knew Koreans ate frogs, I shall have to try some sometime.

Now go on, off you go and enjoy your weekends!

x

Korea Mourns.......

I had a long weekend (Happy Birthday Buddha!) so I've been out and about Jeonbuk. On Thursday I went to the University in Iksan for a festival, if felt as if there were hundreds of stalls selling beer and food. A fantastic atmosphere, although we didn't stay all night, some of the people I was with had to leave early; 'I have diarrhoea!'

On Friday I went to Jeonju for a music festival. There were unsigned bands from Seoul, the final 2 are worth a mention. Kingston Rudiska are a Korean ska band fronted by a very cute boy, I am told. Not much of a Ska fan as a rule, but it was brilliant. Get Yr Skates On better watch out when I'm back in the UK! The last band were a reggae /dub band with a Korean woman in traditional dress singing Korean folk songs. Yes, I was sceptical too, but it was fantastic! As you can see, the venue was also fantastic.

So, turns out North Korea sunk that ship after all. Not the biggest surprise in the world. I'd have been more surprised if it just sank, as some of the newspapers suggested at the time. It turns out my theory that it didn't just sink because ships don't just sink turned out to be accurate. To my knowledge, they try really hard to design them so they stay afloat, to prevent any kind of sinking issues. It's just a little frustrating that both sides responded by whipping their cocks out in a show of masculinity (an argument for more women in politics?)and beating their chests Tarzan style, but after they get tired they'll zip the old boys back in, put a shirt on and start talking.

The thing is, it's probably quite difficult to talk to a leader who told people he shot 11 holes in 1 the first time he ever played golf. (Thats 36 under par, for you golfers out there.) Not bad for a first time. Or when the South found tunnels that North Korea were digging underneath the country, he insisted that the North was looking for coal. Whats even more amazing/ridiculous is that before they left they painted the tunnel black! 100% true, I've seen the paint! What I would have given to be in that room where the brains of the country met to discuss tactics.

'Erm, so, like, they caught us digging the tunnels.'

'Shit.'

'What shall we do?'

'Have we got any black paint around?'

'I'll get my brush.'

In bigger news, Korea was rocked (sorry!) this week by the news of Dio's untimely passing, causing shops up and down the country to hastily erect homemade DIO placards above shop windows. I'm constructing a life-size Dio made of cardboard to take to school as my assistant for the week in remembrance. On a personal note, I'm disappointed as it scuppers any chance of that Rainbow reunion I've been after. Dio, Korea loves you! You will be greatly missed. Well, a little bit missed. Maybe. Who is he again?

Oh, and my flushing tactic I employed on the plants seems to have worked. I'm delighted to report 2 out of the 3 plants are alive, and while I wouldn't say they look healthy, they are hanging in there. The other one faded pretty quickly, it had been mistreated quite badly over a number of weeks; the

food poisoning was the final nail in the coffin, but it was on the cards. But, as Meatloaf once mused, 2 out of 3 ain't bad!

That's 2 rockstars I've managed to squeeze into the blog. I've actually just found out the Slipkont bassist has died, and am tempted to write about himbut I'm going to refrain. First, he wasn't popular in the 80's, and secondly because he wasn't very good. I doubt no-one even knows his name, eternally known as 'Slipknots bassist'. .....

It's all quiet on the Pickle front, so I'll love you and leave you with a students review of Bad Boys 2

........In the end, the guys bastards die.

x

Plants, Cocks and Pickles

Hi kids!

Long time no blog! Well, I'm back with yet another thriller from the Centre of the Universe, Iksan, Korea......

Let us begin with a picture. I've had this kicking around for a while now, thought I might as well share it with you all. An example of bad English, or just an awesome name? You decide.

I spotted a teacher on the way to work the other day, so I thought I'd have a bit of patter with her before work. This is how it went.

'Good morning, how are you?'

'I'm fine'


'How was your weekend?'


'About 20 minutes'


'Great. '


'I don't know.'

'Mmm, OK, bye'

'Nice to meet you.'

'You too.'

We both laughed, she mumbled something about understanding,(LIE!) and went our merry ways. I love these conversations, they become almost normal. Sometimes I think my English ability has declined. You can see for yourself as the quality of the blog deteriorates;)

Right, so, I a love Americans. I do, I love them. Without sounding corny (or racist), some of my best friends are American. But, brothers and sisters, you have some wonderfully ridiculous people in your ranks. And I know, every country has them, but yours tend to be a little, well, you know, louder.
See, I know that you are from America, but the language you speak is English. And I'm not just saying that because I'm English, it's a fact.

You see, last week I overheard a delightfully ridiculous question,

'Excuse me, do you speak American?'


Now, this isn't the first time I've heard it since I've been here. The first one was 'it's sooooo nice to finally meet someone who speaks American'.

This is when I try and pull the GCSE French out of the bag. Which sometimes works, Dans ma trousee un regle, un gomme, un bic, erm, jambon. Si vous pla....and they've gone! Ha!. Always a useful phrase, NOW I finally understand. That's why we were taught it, to confuse other white people who we don't want to talk to in foreign counties!

So, if you hear an American saying this kind of thing, my number one piece of advice is ignore them. Failing that, talk in French, failing that, well, if the French Pencil Case Defensive Manoeuvre hasn't worked you might just have to face the (probably incredibly loud) music and talk to them. Don't say I didn't warn you!

To recap, you are FROM America, your LANGUAGE is English.

Moving on, I went to a DJ Festival in Seoul at the weekend and it was amazing! The music was immense, and we partied all night! We arrived in the afternoon so to pass the time played one of my favourite games;'spot the nationality'. Basically, Irish people walk with a stoop. It's a sign of not wanting to be seen, apparently. English people look at the floor as they walk, embarrassed about being there. Don't argue, it's science! I would have pictures from the festival, but my camera doesn't work at night time any more. I think the flash has broke. Or the batteries died. Either way, I've got no pictures to share with you, so you'll just have to use your imagination!



One very brief election update (oooooooh so exciting!)

There is a man called Eric Pickles in the new cabinet.
That man is a twat. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6MrFV4c_sVY)

Although he doesn't look like he could run a bath, he's in charge of 'communites' or something like that.

I'll be posting updates when he says something i find offensive. Which will probably be weekly.

Last thing,I was bought a plant as a present. (thanks mate) This began an intersest in plants, and the desire to one day be a full time gardener.

Unfortunately, it seems that been a gardener is harder than it looks. The plant (we'll call her Doris) has not been well for quite some time. I've been determined to keep it alive, and have tried EVERYTHING! I tried giving it more water AND buying more plants to keep it company. Nothing was working. So, I had to resort to desperate measures. I heard about this fad called re-potting, so I gave it a go. I bought some soil, new, larger pots, and plant food. I re-potted them, and gave them a healthy dose of plant food. Just discussed my tactics with my parents, and they assured me I've given them what will probably be a lethal dose of plant food. I think I've murdered my plants. As I see it I have 2 options, another repot which I CANNOT be arsed with, or I could try and flush out the poison with a massive amount of water. The water idea is dangerous, Mother said, but a lot easier.

Buggar it I'm flushing, I'll give you updates next week. With photos, hopefully.

Take care boys and girls
x

Election Ramblings

Greetings my little chicks and cocks.


Are we all as excited as me about Thursday? It looks like it's going to be a good one. The bad news is I'll have to watch the coverage on CNN world. Sometimes it barely passes as an English language channel, nevermind a news channel. Watching it for more than 10 minutes sends me into a state somewhere between total disbelief and mild depression. I don't think I've ever learnt anything from it. I was watching it today and they were in England asking people about the election. This was the (actual) conversation.


'So, what do the think of the election campaign'


'Bored shit with it.'


'Who are you going to vote for?'


'BNP'

'Are they the party with the controversial attitudes towards immigration?


'Yes'


'Is that why you are going to vote for them?'


'Yes'

Thats what you get CNN for interviewing a man in an allotment, sorry, 'urban garden' on a Wednesday morning , live on TV. He continued his enlightenment by talking about how he wanted England to 'return to how it was 50 years ago' (read; white). Obviously that makes me immensely proud to be English. A nation full of racist gardeners. (for any American readers, the 'immensely' line was an example of sarcasm.)

Anyway, is everyone actually going to vote Lib Dems this time, or are we all just saying, and on the day change our minds like usual? If, on the day, you get nervous about voting Lib Dem, remember 3 things;

2. 1. A Lib Dem MP dated a Cheeky Girl

2. There was a 20 year age difference

2. 3. This is awesome.

Also, spotted this picture last week. (well, I googled 'George Osbournes sexy legs', and this was on the 4th page).

This is what happens when posh Conservatives get told to 'modernize'. They probably fight it at first, but then realise that they have to be seen to be 'in touch', and do what 'normal' people do. Now, I'm looking at the picture, and I don't see anything modern about that. Is that a Raleigh bike? I don't see anything normal about it either. I was kind of curious where he testicles were. They have to be somewhere!

Theres over 150 politicians are standing down at the election overr the expenses scandal. There is an opportunity to have some decent humans representing us. What a frightening idea!

Take the relatively honourable SIR Anthony Steen. His absolutely genuine response, to information that he had claimed £90,000 over 4 years in expenses on his second home, (fixing the water supply, guarding his shrubs against rabbits, tree surgery, etc).......

'Do you know what it is about? Jealousy. I have got a very, very large house. Some people say it looks like Balmoral, …............. It’s not particularly attractive, it just does me nicely and it’s got room to actually plant a few trees.' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDvxzWjtJvA

He's retiring, funnily enough. Probably to spend more time in his very, very large house. The twat. Did I mention he's a Conservative?

Anyway, that leaves us with boy Clegg and his gang of likeable yellow men.(and women). It could be a disaster. It'll definitely be a change. I'm up for it. Although I am living in South Korea.

Got to go, there's a delivery of ducks due, and I have to make sure I get a receipt;)

X

Upadate....Brown might not be finished yet! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BA2Jz7xIXw

The 3 most common things Korean teenagers shout at me out of windows

Greetings Peasants!

It's been about a week, so I thought I'd better sit here on a lovely Friday afternoon and churn out another blog post for you. News in brief,

• I only posted this post to beat a friends miserable record of 2 blog posts in a year! (You know who you are, Martin).

• I'm growing a large beard, which, as usual, is going very well. Some of the students love it, 'Ruud Van Nistelrooy', others not so much; 'you dirty face'.

• I plan to go hiking tomorrow, which I'm looking forward to immensely. There is a monkey school in a national park. My Rough Guide tells me I will not like it. Well, it hints at it, it says it 'features dressed up simians balancing on balls and riding around on little bikes.' Sorry, bad? Which part of this doesn't sound absolutely amazing? The only thing that disappoints me is that they don't know how to juggle. Expect some fantastic pictures next week.

• I got drunk with the teachers at lunchtime on Tuesday. They kept on offering me Soju, so I kept on drinking it. Everyone ate and got drunk, then we went back to school. Business as usual!

Right, on with the topic at hand, the 3 most common things Korean teenagers shout at me out of open windows. And it's sometimes ANY English that they know. If it makes sense, it's a bonus. The general approach is that something must be shouted at all costs. And loudly.

My favourite is a school girl who said 'hiiieeeeeeeeeeeeee', paused, tried to think of any other English, then said 'good luck' and ran away. I've never seen her since.

Anyway, my top 3;

1)'Handsome guy!'

It's because I'm western. Without doubt. They say it to everyone, and there's certainly no other Westerners that live near me, so I'm treat with interest and excitement. Outside school it's the same, with possibly a tinge of scepticism and racism. But that's OK, because you know what? I have no idea what they are saying!;)

'Fuck off home.'

'No its OK, Thank you, Goodbye.' (complete with slight nod)

Imagine how annoying that would be! Just for the record, I've experienced no (known!) racism here. People stare, so what, I'm almost used to it by now. And I do look different, so I can understand that.

2)'Teacher, big, size.'

'Teacher, Big Size'. I'm 6 foot 4. That's straight forward enough, I mean its just 3 English words whacked together, but you know what, I get it. And also, when I speak Korean I probably sound awful. 'Me, Teacher, school.' 'Me, UK, from.' I believe 'Conversational Caveman' is the term.

3) 'Hows the weather?'

My personal favourite.....'Hows the weather?'. I'm not sure if this a American English thing, or a translation of a Korean greeting (suggestions welcome), but this one stumps me every time. I always get flustered and blurt out.......

'It's, erm, cloudy. Hows the weather?'........

I ask THEM the question back. Even though I've just told them what it's like. I feel like an idiot, but they are happy about how this particular conversation is progressing. So, I ask, and they answer my question, telling me the weather again. Which I know, of course, because I've just told them, and were both stood next to each other. Outside.

Most of the time that's the end of the conversation. Usually they say good-bye, sometimes they just run away.

Right, I'm off to play with the Monkeys. Not metaphorically, literally!

Peace

x

Mr Camel. My Hero

So, I'm starting to regret posting the dog thing. It turns out some people like dogs, and don't particulary like the fact that I ate one. My apologies to my parents, the are the proud owners of a awesome looking German Pointer, who is currently working through some longstanding anger issues. 'he's OK, we just can't look at him in the eyes.' We have the Medusa of the dog world! Your probably thinking, well I bet he doesn't bite....well it does! It tried to bite my face off once, but alas, I am much taller!

So, this blog is about my school, and particulary my amazing students.

My Sixth Form is a Technical and Mechanical school, which means that the students ability is, shall we say, varied. I teach 500 students a week, and I think I can remember 3 names, which is 3 more than I anticipated in knowing at this stage. They are (I'm not making this up); J.D, Hogan, and one Mr Camel. I like Mr Camel the best, obviously. He has Korean graffiti on his jacket. I asked him what it said and he said, 'Camel, because I look like Camel'. I can't see it myself, but from then on he has become my favourite student. I think I added the 'Mr' part. He loves it!







It was quite intimidating at first, been in front of 30 16 year old boys (I teach maybe 10 girls in total). Especially when you don't speak Korean. And they don't want to speak English. And most of them are typical 16 year old boys, but some of them are fully grown men, big guys with attitudes and absolutely no English ability. I'm still a bit intimitdated around them, they just stare at me from the back of the room. I'll take a picture so you can see what I mean. (although I'll have to do it slyly)

Yesterday a student showed me a piece of paper with 'pussy' written on.



'Teacher, whats this?'


'It's a cat. Now get on with your work.'

I was surprised, not because of what he wrote, but he asked me a question in English! He usually only says one word, 'shit'; it's his catchphrase of sorts, which is really nice, but I would like him to develop that a bit. Perhaps whilst removing the 'shit' altogether.

We did a desert island exercise the other week, and they has to write 3 things they would take to the desert island, and why. Of course the good students came up with First Aid Kit, Tent, Axe, e.t.c. The itimidating boys at the back of the class came up with guns, knifes, bullets. Some (rather amazing) students said beer, cigarettes, fast cars, and women. I think I have to try not to laugh, but it's difficult when the reason for women is 'to intercourse'. A certain Mr Camel was responsible for that one. One half of me wanted to give him a disapproving look, the other one wanted me pat him on the back and say 'good job'. I think I gave him the look, but I can't be sure..........


Classes are cancelled next week, it's exam time. The bad side I won't be able to keep you up to date on the life and times of Mr Camel, the good side is I have no classes. Expect a long blog next week!

Real Men eat Dogs

I remember when I left the UK I thought to myself, 'mate your going to make the most amazing blog, witty yet informative, well written, slightly sarcastic, it'll be fantastic.' I've been here in South Korea 8 months now, and am only now beginning it, which kind of reflects my commitment to life in general, but hopefully it can keep at least someone up to date with what I'm doing. For those of you that know me I'm not the best email replier, tend not to reply to text messages, and only got a Facebook account when I moved to Korea.

That said, if you are unhappy with the style of writing, quality of jokes, or general lack of focus, please let me know. I will be happy to recommend blogs with all of the qualities detailed above.
I've lived here for 8 months, so I don't have all the amazing 'I've-just-got here-wow-look-at-that' stories. But I saw a woman walking down a street with a dog on her head. Stood up. On her head. These stories I will share.



Sticking tightly to the dog theme, I ate one last week. Now I know you probably think I stole it off that woman's head and ate that one. That would be inaccurate. Nor, was it an entire dog. But I did eat some of it, and you know what? It was OK!



My good friend, and possibly sole follower of this blog, we'll call him Mr Flymo, visited me. He arrived looking pretty exhausted, either from the 12 hour flight or the 12 hour complimentary drinks;

'hey, a beer.'

'sorry, we've run out.'

'red wine?'

'out.'

'white wine.?

'Sir, you've had enough.'

'anything then.'

Audible 'sigh'

This may have happened. I was too polite to ask. However, I looked at him and thought, 'My god, what this man needs is a tasty

dog.'

Before we continue, not everyone in Korea eats dog. No where near everyone. You don't find it on regular menus in regular restaurants, and there's no way you'll order it by accident. The restaurants are quite tricky to find, and the one we went to only had dog dishes available. Koreans themselves are a bit embarrassed by it; apparently people only realised that they eat dog in 1988, coincidently the same year as the Olympics were held here. So it was either due to the new exposure of a traditionally isolated country, or dog eating became an Olympic Event. If the latter is true, 2012 is coming up. I'm in the ideal position to bring success to Team GB. I reckon with practice theres no reason why I can't eat, with training, like, 5 dogs in a single sitting.

Anyway, we arrive in the restaurant, and it looks like a normal Korean restaurant. And the people in here seem pretty normal. And the people who work in the restaurant seem normal. Where's the skinned dogs hanging from the roof in the kitchen? Where's the moist dog hair on the floor? We sit down and order ' 1 massive dog, please', if my memory serves me correctly. The lovely lady brings over a soup called Bosintang, and meat, the latter brought on a gas stove that cooks in front of us. And there it is. Sizzling away in front of us. 'Would you like some steak mate?'......



I not going to describe the feelings or tastes I experienced, that would be spoiling it for people who want to try. But I will say that if anyone is thinking of eating it, I would recommend it. Similarly, if you don't want to, don't. It's your choice!


It's not disgusting. It's just different. Korea is different. Anyone for 'steak'?;)